How Much Grace is Too Much?...or When Is Forgiveness Complete?

Here's a little follow up to my last post. On Friday, I went to a CD release party. This was for someone that I have gotten to know very well. We've worked together on a few projects now. However, I first met her when she was working for an organization called Youth Encounter. It was an organization I really wanted to be a part of. The basis is that they organized music ministry teams to travel around the US and the world. I was accepted onto an international team to go to Papua New Guinea.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I was kicked out of this organization after I came out to my team. It was a huge blow to my perception of the world, and how well I can handle it. Before YE, I had assumed that I could charm anyone into accepting me, even if they weren't all that pro-gay. YE changed my perspective.

It took several difficult months to get over it. Actually, I think I'm still not completely over it. I think about my team (many of whom seemed to turn on me). I can get angry all over again.

I was told in those months following my exile that I was a very gracious person. I didn't publicly slander my teammates or the organization. I even saw my team on occasion when they passed through town. As you can see, I'm a little more forthcoming with information now. I want to be a reformer for the organization, even though I imagine they would like to distance themselves from me.

I have really only kept in touch with one of my former teammates. He and I were very close on team, and he was in seminary the same time I was. We didn't have a lot of "patching up" to do. It seemed that we would be able to get along pretty well.

Well, at the CD release party, one of my "other" teammates was there. She was probably one of the most vocal about how my sexuality was damaging her devotional life. She was an advocate for my getting kicked off team. I have told her that I forgive her. However, I also know that I'm not going to blindly walk into that sort of relationship again.

I friend told me that she was there soon after I arrived. Then I saw her. We didn't say hi, or even acknowledge each other's presence. So, why do I still have knots in my stomach when I think over this "near encounter"? When will I believe that this "forgiveness" has taken place. I would like to be living past this whole affair, but when something like that encounter happens, I feel like I'm back into it.

It reminds me that forgiveness is no easy task. Peter set the bar very high when he asked Jesus if we should forgive as many as seven times. Jesus made true forgiveness like I want to have for my ex-teammate impossible. I guess this is where we recognize our shortcomings as humans, and rely on God.